.png){kind=small}
By: Dr. Suzette Lovely, ESS Consultant
Disagreements over masking, vaccinations and school closures that spread during COVID have morphed into a smorgasbord of hot button issues. Heated topics range from teaching about race and racism, to LGBTQ+ student rights policies, to book bans and curriculum censorship, to the ‘woke agenda’ of social emotional learning. The unrelenting use of social media has helped fan the flames of discord and distrust. As contention builds, school leaders find themselves caught in the middle.
Hyperbole and highly-charged language exist in varying degrees within every community and every district. To make sense of it all, educators have a natural tendency to want to explain things. By ascribing our own explanation to a controversy, we appear rational and knowledgeable. However, our explanations can become a trigger. Once people develop personal theories about an issue, preexisting beliefs are next-to-impossible to dislodge. Trying to force ‘our truth’ onto someone else can make matters worse.
As leaders, we’re expected to take a stand on controversial issues and engage in difficult conversations even if our instincts are to sidestep them. Most of us don’t have the stomach or emotional agility to deal with dissension. Moreover, the weight of our individual convictions creates the desire to try and change others’ minds, while our own mind remains etched in stone. Finding common ground has become a lost art.
How can we broaden perspectives without alienating people? Is it possible to get someone to rethink a point of view without preaching or pontificating? Has neutrality become a fleeting ideal within our wobbly public institutions? To prepare for challenging conversations, consider seven strategies to lower the temperature when things start to heat up:
1. Start with heart: Difficult encounters must start with the right motive. Building human connections and projecting a voice of authenticity requires heartfelt (not head-driven) dialogue. When temperatures rise, empathy and listening are more impactful than an argument or lecture. Remember, emotions drive thinking, not logic.
2. Use interruptive inquiry: People process information in ways to fit their own narrative. This allows our conclusions to remain intact. Interruptive inquiry creates the space for honest conversations around tough subjects. Use these frames to understand intent and separate the doer from the deed:
Tell me more about that so I understand your thinking.
What has been your experience with…?
How do you imagine we might address this situation?
Does anyone have a personal story that offers a different perspective?
3. Conduct an assumption audit: We all create stories in our head filled with assumptions. Since assumptions live below the surface, an audit can prompt public sharing of theories and beliefs surrounding a concern. Start by asking group members to list all their assumptions about a divisive issue. Go through each assumption one-by-one and seek evidence to determine if it’s true or not. If there’s no concurrence on the evidence, cross the assumption off the list and replace it with a more accurate version. This molting process makes room for new beliefs to emerge without criticism or judgment.
4. Approach charged topics like a dance: Education is full of binary choices – cellphone use in classrooms or cellphone bans in classrooms; teaching balanced literacy or teaching the science of reading; gender inclusive restroom policies or restroom policies related to assigned gender at birth. The tendency is to reconcile binary choices by engaging in a debate or pretending to ‘walk in others shoes.’ But try as we might, it’s impossible to know what it’s like to experience something inside the head of another. Neither approach reveals accurate insights and often makes us more confident in our own inaccurate judgements.
A better approach is to identify the range of perspectives across the spectrum of an issue. Are people alarmed, worried, cautious, indifferent, doubtful, or dismissive? Within this range, hone in on the interests – rather than positions - of the affected parties. Activating conversations around interests tells others their needs are being acknowledged. Moreover, staying off the debate stage reduces tension and helps people see they have more in common than otherwise thought.
5. Give conversations the time they deserve: Our work, our lives and our relationships succeed or fail one conversation at a time. As such, it’s essential to decide when, where and how long a difficult conversation will take place. Sometimes a public setting can help prevent emotional escalations. Other times an office or conference room is the right environment. Territory, turf and timing matter. No matter who’s doing the talking, don’t get so caught up in the content that you become blind to the conditions.
6. Understand the domino effect: Failure to predict the consequences of an unpopular decision can create a domino effect. The energy it takes to topple the first domino is less than the energy transferred by each subsequent impact. Friction is the crucial element that determines the speed at which your dominos will topple. To avoid a chain reaction, don’t: a) ignore warning signs; b) wait too long to solve a problem; c) think you have all the answers; d) allow biases to cloud your thinking; or e) assume the majority view is unanimous.
7. Practice psychological jujitsu: The Japanese art of jujitsu, with its graceful and precise moves, can teach us a lot about maintaining our composure under fire. When emotions get the best of us, it can lead to two reactions: clamming up or blowing up. But jujitsu masters never take the bait. Instead, they rely on their experience, adaptability and technique to let go of elements of the sport that no longer serve them well.
The core principle of jujitsu is to yield to a combatant by redirecting the combatant’s energy back to them. Perseverance and curiosity enable these athletes to control their attacker with minimal effort or muscular tension. Such elements release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals that turn defensive patterns of behavior into positive responses. Educational leaders who practice psychological jujitsu with an opponent face their insecurities, are always ready with an alternative perspective, and navigate uncomfortable situations without rumination or regret.